So I was reading some things around the web and I found some interesting articles on life purpose. No, I wasn't just reading on that, I was reading on life in general. But one of the articles were about that in particular. Which surprisingly (or maybe not) struck me. I have forgotten if I wrote about this before, but, when I was a little girl, I used to know my life purpose. Simple, yet, many would call it silly, or stupid, or just plain naive. When I was ten, back then I was interested in this type of subjects. And I grew rapidly aware of many things, while many others had to learn later… some never at all. Made me feel like an outcast most of the time. Always the quiet one, observing everything, wondering what everyone was thinking, or why they were doing what they were doing. Always looking for more answers to even more questions. That's why I was so quiet. Eventually, people would say so much how shy I was, I end up believing it myself. Restricting myself from trying a lot of things. (Something I'm trying to make up fro now). But during that time, where I found myself contemplating life from a distance, being just a mere observer, I learned something I enjoyed more than anything else. And that was, seeing people smile.
Is as simple as that, yet so complicated. Every moment in my life, is defined and directed by that single purpose. When I figured that out,I started to act, I started to live, I started to dare and eventually, become fearless. At the point where people say to me how amazed they are cause they wouldn't dare something like me. And the funniest thing is… is no treat to life. They are amazed at how I decide to take such a big decision as I am right now… and I am amazed at how they can go drunk at 4am in the morning, in a car, full speed, defying death… and yet come out alive. Is not that I fear dying doing that. More like, I find it stupid, and immature. Is just not my idea of fun and living life fully. I live my life full and passionate in my own terms. Some might find it boring, and it probably is, is my own perception and mind that make sit interesting. The way I live my life, to see it fun, you must put yourself in my place. I direct my life with that purpose I made when I was a kid. For me, seeing someone genuinely smiling, honestly, freely, beautifully, just a single moment of bliss in a single smile, that, is the most beautiful sight for me. Is like, you see someone smiling so purely, and that single second, you forget everything else. On the best case scenario, you find yourself smiling out of pure contagiousness.
Why did I made that my life purpose when I was just a kid? I didn't knew what to do, I didn't enjoyed what many others seem to love. But I enjoy looking at people and just observing them. So it started there. My life purpose… and then, the tools. That was my challenge, it still is. Although right now, the path is a bit clearer. As I grew up, my answer to "what's your life purpose?" became, "to make people smile with my art". This resulted as I saw how people reacted when they requested a portrait. Even though crappy at that age, their amazement and smile were priceless. I just loved it every single time. Then, I forgot about that, and I started to grow in fear of the future. I didn't knew what I wanted to do, more like I forgot. And I block myself. I started to blame many outside factors, when in the end, it was my own fear blocking me. My own self doubt. I deeply regret that, but now there's no way back. the only thing I can do is compensate for my time lost, and dare go the distance to achieve that what I want. It started as courage, taking deep breaths and diving in… later on, seeing there's no harm in it, you can say it's more fearless. I won't lie saying "it won't kill me", you never know ;P, but the chances of something going wrong are SO little, compared to how things could turn out so great.
And then there's my intuition. Something I learned to listen to a few years back. And it has never failed me. It's what keeps pushing me forward, to not be afraid. And I listen to it, and act on it, on it's proper time. I never written about what I'm about to write next, but I guess it's about time. In my second year of university, I had my first real relationship ever. It was good, it was beautiful, and I can't complain. I must say I find myself really lucky, as a great part of the population can't say the same of their first relationships. Usually the relationship going totally wrong is why they end it. That wasn't my case. I learned a lot, and for that I'm grateful, was very happy indeed. At some point, I started to depend on it for the future, there, was my mistake. Is not that is wrong, but I was forgetting about my own goals. It was a good relationship, but I was stuck. No more growth, just there… just simple, ordinary life. While I would always tell myself in school, I will never live the simple ordinary life they expect me to live. Perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect girlfriend, perfect wife, perfect mother, the list goes one… if not perfect, then close to. I was certainly working on the "perfect" part. Which eventually exhausted me.
And yes, I can say right now I'm like a little bird finally out of the nest. Well, almost, just a little more till I'm actually flying. I can't say I didn't struggled to leave my relationship. I did, boy I did… but the struggle was more in the fear of "what next". All my plans, all my safety cage, all my perfectly aligned future, vanished. Because I choose to. Why did I choose to throw away such a great life? Because it wasn't me, it didn't felt like me, I felt like an outsider experiencing someone else's life. It was like a long dream where I was the third person looking at it from a distance. Screaming to make it stop. Screaming to remember me. And one day, I decided to let it all go. And even if at first I was scared, I could hear myself again. That voice that would always guide me, and it would tell me, that everything was going to be ok. And that now, real life begins. Everything else, was just the initial phase, to prepare me. I'm so happy that stage of my life is over. Looking back at it now, feels like I graduated from another type of school and going into another one. When I graduated from university, I left in that stage of my life more than just the classrooms. Wonderful memories I will never forget and will always look back with a smile on my face. I won't lie, up until a few months back, I would still feel sad whenever I remembered my time back then. But not anymore, right now, it's all so refreshing.
So now I could continue my quest, to follow my life paths wherever it leads me. Fearless and strong. Sometimes I am scared, but I try to remind myself that I have also gone through some things in the past and come out stronger and alive. And that I will just keep doing the same, either come out happy or stronger. I either enjoy the fruits or learn what I did wrong and replant another tree. I either choose to accept the expected way because it's safer, or I dare go in search of something else. I have never in my life, picture myself living in my own country, working, or even dating. This is a truth, as much as something I humbly say "well, maybe I can do this or that", in my mind I'm thinking bigger. Simple yet big. Simple has always been a big part of my life. I don't know where I will end up in the end, how, with who, or when… I just know it won't be here. I just know I will be making many smile, I just know that children smiles are the most precious in the universe. I just know it will be beautiful. I just know, this is where life is pointing me to, I can only choose to follow, or stay here. I choose to follow, because I love surprises like that. And of course I have plans, I just don't know how feasible they can be until I get there. Some things are out of my hand, I will just take care of those I can manage, the rest will take care of itself. And I'm a strong believer in karma, I know in the end everything will be alright.
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