:) In a few days I turn 22, YAY! And I decided to write a nice entry on it. Why? Because I just finished doing massive cleanup in my room, throwing away some old stuff, including… stuff animals. So obviously, something is going on that maybe not even I am sure of. First thing, I don't remember being 21. You know how old people when they get older they complain about reaching that age of expecting just to be… old? Well, not that I complain, but I'm getting that –growing-up-yet-not-grown-up- feeling. I still live the teenage-age. I know most people now are getting pass that stage around 25, or so some of my old professors said; which I find rather true here. So that leaves me what… three more years? Heck… no, I really feel I want to take off this year. I don't know how, I do know why though (:P) , just not sure of the means. But well, I guess it also has to do with the fact that I graduated and probably I'm suffering the home-sickness of university. Missing the "I'm busy with homework" status, or the "this suck I have 3 tests on the same day!" Yes, sounds crazy, very. But most of those who haven't graduated yet will get to it soon enough.
And then there's the expectations; "are you doing a master?"; "are you going to continuing studying?"; "have you found a job?"; "what are you going to do now?" I'm honestly getting sick of those questions. Don't get me wrong, I understand the concern and the fact that I shouldn't waste the "good student" title. But everyone lives their life as they wish. No, I don't want to be another lazy but watching TV all day and eating my life away. Two reasons, I don't watch TV and I don't eat so much. But yes I spend most of my time here, in front of the computer. (Not to mention scared to dead that my laptop won't survive the overuse.) But I have my reasons to be here, those who know me know that computer or no computer, I will still be in my room most of the day anyway. The computer just keeps me in touch with the outside world.
The problem here is not that I am doing nothing, because I am, but that I don't get pay for it. And that keeps me stuck. But in another way, I love writing as much as I love drawing, probably more to be honest. So this is what I shall keep on doing. Who knows, probably my lifestyle is actually suitable for a writer. And there it goes the guessing on what to do next. I do know what I want; it's the in-between part that it's unknown to me right now. And I am happy, that I am, don't get me wrong. I'm more than happy (soon I can be even more or so I hope :) ) but it's kind of melancholic to see that your school years are over. Probably not entirely for now, but I'm sure I'm not the continuing-studying type. That's what I get for trying so hard since elementary school, got exhausted. Only thing I would gladly study is something practical, which is probably the technical courses people offer; especially if its art or writing related.
But for now, this is all I have and all I'm holding to; faith, love, a small spark of hope, and words. And I know that that is more than most will ever have. So I'm lucky and blessed, I just wish for a bit of freedom. Soon I know. A new year and I know it's going to be the best one yet. I just hope to stop being asked "what are you going to do next". Not that I mind, but I will stop lying about it from now. No, I won't continue studying, not for now anyway, not until I see the chance. But I stop chasing it for now; I leave that up to life. I have other priorities now, and I know I'm skillful and smart enough to do whatever I want in life. I was born for it! I mean, I guess it's my attitude that gets me this far. But also a hunch, that everything is ok, as long as I keep pushing forward and kicking and punching the bad feelings away. Ever since I was a little girl, this is what I believed in, and life has given me all I wanted without problems. Or maybe it has been with problems but I don't sense them as such? Challenges all the way which makes life all exiting and worth going through. Better than living a senseless life that's for sure. I always said I rather have my life filled with challenges than live a plain life where all I do is eating, work and survive. I always welcome them, is like I poke life with a stick in the eye. She just laughs and plays with me, and I laugh, and I'm happy. Whatever made you cry once, will surely make you laugh later. It always has been like that. I'm spoiled, so what?
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Empty Cookie
I was searching for something to write about and I started to see if there were any good memes. I found this website which I liked more than the rest: http://www.1000wordsmeme.com/They use a picture and you have to write whatever you want about it. I decided to write a story. I was not sure if 1000 words was a rule or not. But I thought it would be fun to try to make it exactly 1000 words, no more, no less. And so I did. It's probably crappy and cheesy, but I liked it and it was fun. Enjoy.
(Do not post anywhere without permission.)
Empty Cookie
Ana stood by the door waiting for the rain to stop. The wind would blow some rain inside the house as she held the door open. But she didn't care, for all she cared she was about to step outside just like that. She wrapped her hands inside her jacket for warmth as she saw some kids stepping outside to enjoy the rain. She smiled at them as she remembered when she used to do that. She missed dancing in the rain. She looked behind to look inside her house. It was empty and quiet, very well organized, yet lonely. She then looked back at the street, and with a smile she jumped into the rain. And without a care in the world she started to dance along with the kids.
The neighbors would look at her strangely. After all she wasn't a little kid, yet she was behaving just like one. She lived by herself ever since her mom passed away when she was nineteen. Seven years later she still lived in the same empty house. A few failed romance, and a few failed jobs. She wondered if she had the right to just dance in the rain instead of working to get out of there. As the rain started to pass away, the mother of one of the kids invited them inside their house. She offered them hot chocolate and fortune cookies.
They were all wet but the lady didn't seem to mind this. She was actually enjoying it. And so was Ana. Ana took one of the cookies and drank some chocolate. As the kids opened the cookies they would laugh and talk about the fortune written on that cookie.
"I'm going to get surprise money!" one of them said holding the paper on the air.
"Yea right, look at this one, says expect the unexpected. What's that supposed to mean?" said another kid looking at his. The other two boys and the only girl exchanged theirs for fun.
"The cookies are wise," said the old lady while sitting with her cup of chocolate at the table.
"What is this?" said Ana looking at hers.
"What does it says!? What does it says!?" asked the kids curiously.
"Nothing," said Ana showing them the empty paper.
"Well, aren't you a lucky one?" said the lady.
"Why am I lucky?" asked Ana confused. After all, what's a blank fortune cookie worth? Probably it was a mistake from the fabric where the cookies were made.
"Well, means your destiny it's whatever you want it to be. You can write in that single strip your whole life, and it would be done," the lady said cheerfully looking at Ana.
Ana just stared at the blank piece of paper. After a while they all went to their houses. While Ana was getting ready to sleep she saw the paper on her nightstand. She took a pen from the drawer and wrote on it. "I don't want to be alone anymore." She then had a dream that night.
In the dream she was holding a red balloon and she let go of it. She woke up and after breakfast she rushed to the town plaza to buy a balloon. She took the paper she wrote and tied it to the balloon. The old man who sold it to her was looking at her wondering what she was doing. She smiled as she let go of the small piece of paper into the sky.
Three months and a few more weeks passed by in a flash. Ana got a new job at the coffee shop of the town. A man came in; he didn't look like a local. Ana knew almost everyone in her town and she knew he wasn't from around. He asked her for a cup of coffee and some waffles. She served it to him with a smile and he smiled back. When he was going to pay he took out his wallet and pay but realized was short of change.
The man reached to his pocket taking everything there was out. A few things came out like a pocket watch, some spare change, a business card, and the paper. Ana recognized it at the moment. Her eyes wide opened and tears filled her eyes as she looked at the man. He wondered what was wrong with her and asked her if she was ok. She nodded as she took the small piece of paper with the tip of her fingers; as if she didn't wanted to ruin it more than it was already.
"Oh, I found that two weeks ago… it saved my life," said the man with a melancholic smile. She stared at what she wrote, it was hers for sure, the same words and her handwriting. She had to hold her tears back and smiled at the man.
"Thank you," she said. He looked at her confused and smiled. He put everything back into his pocket except for the change which he gave her and the small piece of paper which she still had. "Can I have that back?" he said pointing at it.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, yes," she said offering it back, but took it away just as fast. "Are you married?" she surprisingly asked at him. He almost chocked with the coffee. She laughed as he cleaned up the drops of coffee.
"No, why?" he asked back.
"Have a girlfriend? Or are you gay?" she asked him again. She was actually surprised herself she was asking a total stranger such direct questions.
"No, no… but why?" he asked back again.
"Lunch tomorrow?" she asked again hiding away her blush. The man started to laugh and so did she. "I'm so sorry, I don't usually do this," she apologized for being as direct while he tried to control his laughter.
"Of course," he said with a smile after a minute of laughter.
"Ana," she said offering a handshake.
"Patrick," he answered back while shaking her hand.
By Marisabel Muñoz
August 19, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
On people and faith
Well, I haven't actually written here in a while. But a special-person-with-foots-full-of-glue asks me about it. I've been writing all night on different places. But this one I will also write on. Not only for the special person-with-foots-full-of-glue, but also for the other special people who wonder why am I so lost lately? Not that I will write about that anyway, not here. But my writing pretty much matches my mood.
I remember last actual entry, was Life Winning Lessons
The reason I haven't write much, it's because there are times, when life starts to happen and I just want to enjoy it and I forget to write. But tonight is an exception, because this entry is to celebrate it and the wonders and people of it.
Where to begin is always the hardest part. Especially since I've been writing all day on different places, I forget what I wrote about and what not. And what I feel like sharing too. I really should note down the random thoughts I have to be able to write them. But one of them right now is, how funny, that in the end, it all comes to people. Whatever you do, whatever you wish, whatever you want or not, it's all because of someone else. I once denied this myself. Saying I will only work for me, I will work for my happiness, because no one can make me as happy as I can. And so I spent a lot of time with only a few friends, not that that has changed. But at least now I know I cannot live without those special spots in people's hearts. In a way, it's true only you can make yourself happy, but on the other hand, that is completely written wrongly. Is not that it's only you, but that it's –starts- with you.
In order to make people happy, you must be happy. People make, if you make them happy, it's all give and take. And as much as I said when I was little, I won't settle for anyone, in the end, and in reality, if I can, I would. Cause that's what's caring is about. But don't be fooled. If settling means going against your own person, then it's wrong. When I say settling, is putting the other person's happiness as priority, because that makes you happier than anything else. And if that other person's priority is also to make you happy, then you become a team, and both work for what you wish to achieve. I also find it funny how selfish that is in the end. You make the person happy for your own happiness. You cannot escape that. But as long as it's from both sides, then everything is beautiful, even the darkest days.
I know I don't have many friends, and those few I do have I seldom call. I am a very devoted person when it comes to caring for someone, my whole attention focus. And sometimes I feel like neglecting the others. But I also find comfort in the fact that I know, that those others understand me sometimes better than myself. They understand I have a weird way of caring for others, but yet I do. And sometimes they see in me what I cannot see. And it makes me happy to have such people in my life, even when I only talk to them once a month or less. Because well, even if we don't share those daily moments, we do share memories, and that keep us bound. Isn't beautiful when you see two persons, that haven't seen each other for five years, and when they do, it's like they were always together. Nothing changed, only new experience and the opportunity to share them. That's how you know, true friendship is there.
I'm not a talker, but they do know that when I write, it's from my heart. And when I say I love them all and I'm grateful they are part of my memories and my present, they know I mean it. As long as they are ok, it's all I need to know. That's why in a way, when someone online says hello and go directly with "hey, wanna be friends?", I get really annoyed. Because they think friendship is as easy as that. It takes time and struggles. And well, I know I offend a lot of people when I say that. Every time they ask, "do you like me as your friend?" , "are we friends?", and so on, I honestly answer to them, "No, we just meet." Because there's a difference in knowing someone, and –knowing- someone. I feel the urge to actually give them a speech on that. But some people just find it annoying.
Once there was this teacher from middle school, who praised mom, because she said I was very selective with my friendships, and I knew who to pick as real friends. I must admit, yes, I was very picky, still am, I don't let anyone that easily into my world. I take pride in saying, whoever meets me; -actually- meet me, is never the same again. And I like to change people's lives for good, just being me. But she was wrong in something, I don't pick them. Friendship, just as love, which comes in that order, just happens. That's the magic of it. You cannot force it, you cannot pick it. You pick it after you feel there's a special connection in some level; some understanding or some interest. After you find that, then you pick, but not the other way around.
Let's put as example three of those people, two of them I know read this. The first one, Mindy, I know her since middle school, but we didn't become friends till high school. And I was honestly curious about her personality. But being in different classrooms, where people were rivals, made me stay away from them, then in high school friendship happened, just like that. Then there's Xyli, pwety Xyli (yesh you!), same story, university, knew her from distance, wonder about her personality, and then after a while, friendship happened in a click. It was funny, but yea. And then Marya, cause she was the first person that could reach the actual friend status. She went to meet me at home because of my brother, I didn't say a thing and she went away. A month later, they took me out of my house and the rest is history. I always thank her for me being able to express myself more. Because before that I was very quiet. But yea, I could go on with the list and how everyone has played such a big part of my life and shaped me. People change people, it's even better if the common goal is to make happy the other person.
(Sudden subject change, but my thoughts are like that) Because once there's that, the rest can come, life will provide. You start to believe in miracles, you start to see magic and hope for it where there was none. It's a hard thing to do, to believe. Sometimes you wonder about it, you get down, and do your best to get up. Until you find ways to do so, and you understand yourself so well, it's very hard to get you down. Because you know what keeps you happy. But yes, faith is a hard thing at first; I was raised by it, but never had it until later. And when I did, boy did my life changed. Not talking about religion by the way, that is just not… it. But of actual belief, hope, faith, of the future you cannot see, but you wish to grasp. A future which you might be scared of, but you cannot let that fear blind you and stop you on your way. Is like this fight, where as long as there is faith, you cannot loose.
It's scary, it is, very. But that's the challenge, getting over that. Living to the life you want. Holding unto your wishes, believing they exist somewhere and that soon, it will be at your reach. I've learned that the closer I am to gaining what I want, the tired I get, the sadder I get, the more I want to quit. When you feel that, is when you must stand up and say "NO!". Because it's a challenge you must face with courage. And even if you don't feel courage, fake it. And don't give in. It's all a trick. Magic is happening right now, more than I thought possible, life is funny like that. I just let it happen. I just let it come to me. Make my own happiness like this. My dream is still one basic childish dream; my goals are the direction I think is best to take to fulfill them. But I do know that I'm not entitled to only that, and that life can surprise me with unthought-of alternatives to make my dreams come true. You let go of fear and the what-ifs, and you let life take control of what you can. Just do it, it's scary at first, but later on, you see it's the best thing you could ever have done. Cause sometimes that's the only thing you can do, let go and let god. Once I let go of a little red balloon, and everything started to change.
I remember last actual entry, was Life Winning Lessons
The reason I haven't write much, it's because there are times, when life starts to happen and I just want to enjoy it and I forget to write. But tonight is an exception, because this entry is to celebrate it and the wonders and people of it.
Where to begin is always the hardest part. Especially since I've been writing all day on different places, I forget what I wrote about and what not. And what I feel like sharing too. I really should note down the random thoughts I have to be able to write them. But one of them right now is, how funny, that in the end, it all comes to people. Whatever you do, whatever you wish, whatever you want or not, it's all because of someone else. I once denied this myself. Saying I will only work for me, I will work for my happiness, because no one can make me as happy as I can. And so I spent a lot of time with only a few friends, not that that has changed. But at least now I know I cannot live without those special spots in people's hearts. In a way, it's true only you can make yourself happy, but on the other hand, that is completely written wrongly. Is not that it's only you, but that it's –starts- with you.
In order to make people happy, you must be happy. People make, if you make them happy, it's all give and take. And as much as I said when I was little, I won't settle for anyone, in the end, and in reality, if I can, I would. Cause that's what's caring is about. But don't be fooled. If settling means going against your own person, then it's wrong. When I say settling, is putting the other person's happiness as priority, because that makes you happier than anything else. And if that other person's priority is also to make you happy, then you become a team, and both work for what you wish to achieve. I also find it funny how selfish that is in the end. You make the person happy for your own happiness. You cannot escape that. But as long as it's from both sides, then everything is beautiful, even the darkest days.
I know I don't have many friends, and those few I do have I seldom call. I am a very devoted person when it comes to caring for someone, my whole attention focus. And sometimes I feel like neglecting the others. But I also find comfort in the fact that I know, that those others understand me sometimes better than myself. They understand I have a weird way of caring for others, but yet I do. And sometimes they see in me what I cannot see. And it makes me happy to have such people in my life, even when I only talk to them once a month or less. Because well, even if we don't share those daily moments, we do share memories, and that keep us bound. Isn't beautiful when you see two persons, that haven't seen each other for five years, and when they do, it's like they were always together. Nothing changed, only new experience and the opportunity to share them. That's how you know, true friendship is there.
I'm not a talker, but they do know that when I write, it's from my heart. And when I say I love them all and I'm grateful they are part of my memories and my present, they know I mean it. As long as they are ok, it's all I need to know. That's why in a way, when someone online says hello and go directly with "hey, wanna be friends?", I get really annoyed. Because they think friendship is as easy as that. It takes time and struggles. And well, I know I offend a lot of people when I say that. Every time they ask, "do you like me as your friend?" , "are we friends?", and so on, I honestly answer to them, "No, we just meet." Because there's a difference in knowing someone, and –knowing- someone. I feel the urge to actually give them a speech on that. But some people just find it annoying.
Once there was this teacher from middle school, who praised mom, because she said I was very selective with my friendships, and I knew who to pick as real friends. I must admit, yes, I was very picky, still am, I don't let anyone that easily into my world. I take pride in saying, whoever meets me; -actually- meet me, is never the same again. And I like to change people's lives for good, just being me. But she was wrong in something, I don't pick them. Friendship, just as love, which comes in that order, just happens. That's the magic of it. You cannot force it, you cannot pick it. You pick it after you feel there's a special connection in some level; some understanding or some interest. After you find that, then you pick, but not the other way around.
Let's put as example three of those people, two of them I know read this. The first one, Mindy, I know her since middle school, but we didn't become friends till high school. And I was honestly curious about her personality. But being in different classrooms, where people were rivals, made me stay away from them, then in high school friendship happened, just like that. Then there's Xyli, pwety Xyli (yesh you!), same story, university, knew her from distance, wonder about her personality, and then after a while, friendship happened in a click. It was funny, but yea. And then Marya, cause she was the first person that could reach the actual friend status. She went to meet me at home because of my brother, I didn't say a thing and she went away. A month later, they took me out of my house and the rest is history. I always thank her for me being able to express myself more. Because before that I was very quiet. But yea, I could go on with the list and how everyone has played such a big part of my life and shaped me. People change people, it's even better if the common goal is to make happy the other person.
(Sudden subject change, but my thoughts are like that) Because once there's that, the rest can come, life will provide. You start to believe in miracles, you start to see magic and hope for it where there was none. It's a hard thing to do, to believe. Sometimes you wonder about it, you get down, and do your best to get up. Until you find ways to do so, and you understand yourself so well, it's very hard to get you down. Because you know what keeps you happy. But yes, faith is a hard thing at first; I was raised by it, but never had it until later. And when I did, boy did my life changed. Not talking about religion by the way, that is just not… it. But of actual belief, hope, faith, of the future you cannot see, but you wish to grasp. A future which you might be scared of, but you cannot let that fear blind you and stop you on your way. Is like this fight, where as long as there is faith, you cannot loose.
It's scary, it is, very. But that's the challenge, getting over that. Living to the life you want. Holding unto your wishes, believing they exist somewhere and that soon, it will be at your reach. I've learned that the closer I am to gaining what I want, the tired I get, the sadder I get, the more I want to quit. When you feel that, is when you must stand up and say "NO!". Because it's a challenge you must face with courage. And even if you don't feel courage, fake it. And don't give in. It's all a trick. Magic is happening right now, more than I thought possible, life is funny like that. I just let it happen. I just let it come to me. Make my own happiness like this. My dream is still one basic childish dream; my goals are the direction I think is best to take to fulfill them. But I do know that I'm not entitled to only that, and that life can surprise me with unthought-of alternatives to make my dreams come true. You let go of fear and the what-ifs, and you let life take control of what you can. Just do it, it's scary at first, but later on, you see it's the best thing you could ever have done. Cause sometimes that's the only thing you can do, let go and let god. Once I let go of a little red balloon, and everything started to change.
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