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http://marisabelart.com

I will still use this blog for more personal things, but inspirational and such I will be using my official one.

My Secret

Going through some changes and thoughts. Sometimes I need to force myself to think positively. I have the tree garden, where I portrait all that that is important to me. And I picture it growing healthy and bright. But for certain things I must go further, and not use a "substitute" image for what I want to control.
And this is my secret,
every night before going to sleep I thank god for all, and I mean ALL. For always listening, for always answering, for always guiding me and protecting me, for those special people in my life (name by name), for all those simple special moments of the day. For a lesson learned, for the blessings I get. For everything.
After that, instead of worrying over the things I need to do the next day, or the worries I might have, I instead go to sleep in peace. Starting to imagine that which I DO want, not what I don't want. I imagine my life going perfectly right, just like I want it to be. The only moment I go a bit negative is if I am angry at someone, in order to release that anger I play various case scenarios where I let go of those feelings and say I feel I want to say. But otherwise, before going to sleep all I do is imagine that which I want. I visualize, with all my soul. I feel the floor underneath my feet, the temperature, the breeze, the sounds, the colors, the smells. And most importantly, the feeling of happiness. I make it as real as possible, until I fall asleep. Imagining how happy you can be, is how happy you are now.
This is how I do it.
Oh, and I also write it down if I am not sure of what I want. Writing helps me focus, once I know what I want, I visualize every night.

Thoughts

I was planning on writing my "motivation" letter to enter university for my master. But first I need to empty down some things. I finally got the idea for the book, heck I even have it all sketched down and I'm working to draw it little by little. It will take me 1 - 2 months. And deep inside... that is my true hope and dream. That it is liked, that it is published, that I can make it as an artist. Deep inside my one true wish is to live on my art. And having to force myself to consider going to university is a bit frustrating. As deep inside... I don't want to. I don't feel is my way. I don't feel is my path. Sure I would love to help people with it... still... And it does not feel right to just pursue a career just because you feel you have to, because is what everyone expect from you, because is the way you can make others who care about you stop worrying about what kind of life you truly want. I have to go to the university to see a sample class next week. I am honestly struggling to do so or not. I feel I have to, as if I don't I will be regretting it. Let's just put it like this, I'll take it as a sign of God if my host mom has to work that Monday night.Which I am not sure. If she has to, I can't go. Wishing in a way I don't have to go? yes... feeling guilty about it? in a way...

Sure pursuing counseling would be a great solid, secure, strong option; sure I know I can be a good counselor; sure I know I can study if I want to with enough help... but would it make me happy? Knowing the reason why I am doing it? "To buy me some time"?... Buy me some time with those who worry; buy me some time with my own self; buy me some time to stay here... where I want to be. To be able to stay here for as long as I can.Feeling safe in the fact that I have real "work" to do. As if the type of work I want to do wasn't real. While... it's all I want and all I ever wanted when it comes to my own career. I keep pushing it, I go back, push it and go back... and for me it feels like it will never end, unless I actually make it. Even if I am a successful counselor, winning good money, and all that... I still would be dreaming nonstop about my true wish. I might be happy, but I would still want to do what I feel I should be doing. "Follow your bliss" they say. Well, this is mine, I have the right to follow it, no? I need to write a motivational letter, which might be full of lies. I rather spend that time drawing my story... which is more true than any of those words I might write. So which way do I pick? A safe path full of lies? An uncertain one with truth?

I guess I will stay true to myself and deal with the consequences, even if that consequence is losing that for which I care for the most. And that is a painful line to write. :)

As for the tree, I want to care for it as long as I am allowed to... it's blooming again and as much as I want to say "fear" it happening again? I know I shouldn't, for that was what it made it happen in the first place. This time it will grow strong and stronger each day. You'll see.

The skies are blue again

So the tree was kind of damaged. I had to take it down, partially, the roots are still good and well. Still grabbing deep and strong. right in the middle of what its left of that tree, a small plant started to grow. It’s growing little by little. I’m watering it every day with all my love. The skies are clear, the sun is bright, and a rainbow is seen bright and colorful on the distance. The flowers are still close, but I bet they are about to bloom. Right now a few are, and slowly the rest will follow. Before you know it, this garden will be as beautiful as it never was before. I see a small bird playing around. it must realize how beautiful things are. I know I brought this storm upon myself. But holding the responsibility of it, I’m trying to heal this garden to a better state than it’s original. The tree was badly damaged, but it’s still alive, I can hear his heart beat when I lay against him to read, or sing to him. It’s alive, and willing to keep on living. and I know slowly, it will grow again to be a wonderful tree full of pride and glory. Blooming magnificently and amazing me everyday. I won’t let this happen again, at least not to this magnitude.

 

Thanks to a very dear friend for these words:

"Let yourself love someone or something worthwhile, with your whole heart, 'till the very end, and I promise you, you will never ever feel alone again"

The storm

The storm was announced but I refused  to listen. The tree was on blossom, but the storm came. It rained, so badly, many branches fell, the pink blossoms blown by the wind, but the tree, still there, tall, strong, firm. Grasping with all its strength to the soil. It’s dark, and it’s all wet. The flowers are weary, the floor full of leaves, broken and dry. But the weatherman has announced the weather will be better, to just wait a few more days. And that blossom will be fully pink again. The flowers will start to grow again, the sun will shine so warm and bright that it will dry all the rain away. In the meanwhile, I have to clean up all that is dead, make space for new life, pick up all the leaves, save the flowers that survived, fix some smaller trees, in general, heal the garden. It will take a while, but it should be ok again. Right now it stopped raining, some showers here and there every once in a while, but no more real harsh rain to kill my flowers. The clouds are still around, the sky is grey, but beyond it I know it’s blue, and the sun is there. I just have to wait a little, and one more night, I might be able to see the moon again and all the stars, shining bright. The storm has washed away all it needed to, now it’s time for renew.

That Season

From way up here you can see the green. Growing and spreading, and all the bright colors reaching every corner. My miracles are my life today. And so I will make the best of it. Almost 2 months and counting. And things are looking up. I’m starting to listen and understand that strange music I encounter everyday. Yet my lovely garden loves it. The once small tree is growing handsome and strong. With each day a bit of sun with does so good, a bit of water which is necessary, and it keeps on growing.

Today I accidentally stepped on some flowers, seems I was doing so for a while now. They are ok, weak, but I’m starting to try to fix them. With fresh water, and fresh soil, and a whole new care. I’m sorry if I made such mistakes, but I’m willing to try again. To win my place in this beautiful moon. These are precious times for me. My miracles are all I hold and all that leads me right now. I’m asking for one more, but that one will take a while, but I will be working on it, even if I’m doing it months in advance. It’s what I want, it’s what I truly wish for. Regardless of what happens to me with my two miracles, the next one, will be with me for the rest of my life. And so, it is just as precious. The stumbles I’m taking are just making me gather more courage. I’m sorry if I took so long to make up my mind. Courage takes time, but once I find it, you know more than anyone else I go the distance (literally). And so I will do this, not for you, not for them, but for me and my life.

In life there are many trees; trees of love, trees of courage, of friendship, of talent, of knowledge, wisdom, trust, happiness..

My tree of love is slowly but steady growing, although I don't know how tall it will grow, I just hope it can reach great heights and shed protection and life to all surroundings. My tree of courage is also slowly growing, but taking giant leaps every time it encounters a storm, digging it’s roots deeper into the ground, refusing to give in, even if scare, even if the branches fall and it’s left naked and fragile… it still hold on to it’s ground and start over and keep on growing. The one of friendship… some branches fall and others grow, but I hope this time I can take better care of them.The one of talent, is hidden in a corner behind some rocks, it is quiet shy, but I hope in time, it will grow so tall that it will pass the rock, and will show all it’s glory. So in the mean while I’m taking good care of it, plenty of sun, and just enough water. Knowledge, also growing taller each time. Wisdom, everyday. Trust… happiness… a bit more than the other each day.

And so, the story goes on. Life on the moon, hard, fun, beautiful, worth it. As this is the season for changes, for growth. And as part of life, I’m part of it.

New Year

I shall start this by saying, happy new year 2009 and hope all your wishes and hopes come true! I like writing entries each year. Recapping my year and looking forward to the next. What can I say, 2008 has been one heck of a ride… like you have NO IDEA. Everything changed, a lot of things ended, just to give chance to wonderful new ones. I started the year kind of difficult, it got better as I let go of some things. I felt free, but at the same time things were changing at a speed I could barely keep track of. I would write from 3 to 6 pages on my journal daily trying to keep track of all that was going on. Trying to make sense of it all. Some things just were impossible to find any sense at all. Just accept and embrace. And so I did, and I have never been more grateful in my life. I gave up, I asked only for a small miracle, and I shall not do anything else but that, wait and pray. And just few days after, it started to happen, and it did.

As my end of University approached, I had to let go of that too, and try to find my place. It was harder than I thought, but I kept searching for a way and a place. I’m sure many were saying like “good for you” but thinking, “you’re nuts, that’s impossible”. And sure, proved harder than expected, so instead of giving up entirely, I choose another path. After so many tears and countless sleepless nights trying to figure out what to do, I gave up.  Ready to accept life as it was, ready to just accept an ordinary life I so much hated while I got a chance to do and be something different. The next day, I wake up, with that same feeling I get everything something is about to change. The feeling that that day holds something special for me. And I get on the computer. And tired, without wanting to think, I just stared at my options. And there it was, the one option that eluded me all those months. And I got my chance, more wonderful that I had asked for.

All this year, my life have been lead by those two single miracles I hold so dear to me. They are the most important thing for me right now. For they will also play a big role in my life next year. Next year, it’s such a big year for me like many don’t have a clue. It’s what I’ve been looking forward to all my life. Ever since I could hold and read books. Is the biggest gift life could give me after all these years. I must say, this year was indeed hard. i cried like I never had, but it was all so worth it. I don’t care if I have to go through it again if this feeling of gratitude is my reward. This feeling I have, this wonderful gratitude, this happiness, it’s worth all those nights and more. What is happening in my life right now, is pure magic, and I wouldn’t want it otherwise.

As 2009 approach, it fills me with more expectations than never before. I look forward to it more than any other year. I miracles, just started in 2008, they will just intensify in 2009. I just know so. Sure, I know I will cry a lot, I feel feel lonely countless of times, but heck I will never regret. The rewards after that are countless. Many people feel sad and lonely at time, it’s only a matter of being conscious that no matter what, eventually everything will fall into place. I held on to that, countless of time. I would just get stronger, I would just grow more hopeful. And hold to that saying that says, when you are about to give up, it’s when things start to change, so don’t give up. That proved true to me. This is a wonderful feeling.

For all the friends I lost, for all the friends I made, for all the memories I will never regret, thank you. For all that is to come, for all the love and all the warmth, thank you even more. The ride is not over yet, it just started.