Thoughts

I was planning on writing my "motivation" letter to enter university for my master. But first I need to empty down some things. I finally got the idea for the book, heck I even have it all sketched down and I'm working to draw it little by little. It will take me 1 - 2 months. And deep inside... that is my true hope and dream. That it is liked, that it is published, that I can make it as an artist. Deep inside my one true wish is to live on my art. And having to force myself to consider going to university is a bit frustrating. As deep inside... I don't want to. I don't feel is my way. I don't feel is my path. Sure I would love to help people with it... still... And it does not feel right to just pursue a career just because you feel you have to, because is what everyone expect from you, because is the way you can make others who care about you stop worrying about what kind of life you truly want. I have to go to the university to see a sample class next week. I am honestly struggling to do so or not. I feel I have to, as if I don't I will be regretting it. Let's just put it like this, I'll take it as a sign of God if my host mom has to work that Monday night.Which I am not sure. If she has to, I can't go. Wishing in a way I don't have to go? yes... feeling guilty about it? in a way...

Sure pursuing counseling would be a great solid, secure, strong option; sure I know I can be a good counselor; sure I know I can study if I want to with enough help... but would it make me happy? Knowing the reason why I am doing it? "To buy me some time"?... Buy me some time with those who worry; buy me some time with my own self; buy me some time to stay here... where I want to be. To be able to stay here for as long as I can.Feeling safe in the fact that I have real "work" to do. As if the type of work I want to do wasn't real. While... it's all I want and all I ever wanted when it comes to my own career. I keep pushing it, I go back, push it and go back... and for me it feels like it will never end, unless I actually make it. Even if I am a successful counselor, winning good money, and all that... I still would be dreaming nonstop about my true wish. I might be happy, but I would still want to do what I feel I should be doing. "Follow your bliss" they say. Well, this is mine, I have the right to follow it, no? I need to write a motivational letter, which might be full of lies. I rather spend that time drawing my story... which is more true than any of those words I might write. So which way do I pick? A safe path full of lies? An uncertain one with truth?

I guess I will stay true to myself and deal with the consequences, even if that consequence is losing that for which I care for the most. And that is a painful line to write. :)

As for the tree, I want to care for it as long as I am allowed to... it's blooming again and as much as I want to say "fear" it happening again? I know I shouldn't, for that was what it made it happen in the first place. This time it will grow strong and stronger each day. You'll see.