Birthday Reflection Entry (Warning: pathetic rants)

:) In a few days I turn 22, YAY! And I decided to write a nice entry on it. Why? Because I just finished doing massive cleanup in my room, throwing away some old stuff, including… stuff animals. So obviously, something is going on that maybe not even I am sure of. First thing, I don't remember being 21. You know how old people when they get older they complain about reaching that age of expecting just to be… old? Well, not that I complain, but I'm getting that –growing-up-yet-not-grown-up- feeling. I still live the teenage-age. I know most people now are getting pass that stage around 25, or so some of my old professors said; which I find rather true here. So that leaves me what… three more years? Heck… no, I really feel I want to take off this year. I don't know how, I do know why though (:P) , just not sure of the means. But well, I guess it also has to do with the fact that I graduated and probably I'm suffering the home-sickness of university. Missing the "I'm busy with homework" status, or the "this suck I have 3 tests on the same day!" Yes, sounds crazy, very. But most of those who haven't graduated yet will get to it soon enough.

And then there's the expectations; "are you doing a master?"; "are you going to continuing studying?"; "have you found a job?"; "what are you going to do now?" I'm honestly getting sick of those questions. Don't get me wrong, I understand the concern and the fact that I shouldn't waste the "good student" title. But everyone lives their life as they wish. No, I don't want to be another lazy but watching TV all day and eating my life away. Two reasons, I don't watch TV and I don't eat so much. But yes I spend most of my time here, in front of the computer. (Not to mention scared to dead that my laptop won't survive the overuse.) But I have my reasons to be here, those who know me know that computer or no computer, I will still be in my room most of the day anyway. The computer just keeps me in touch with the outside world.

The problem here is not that I am doing nothing, because I am, but that I don't get pay for it. And that keeps me stuck. But in another way, I love writing as much as I love drawing, probably more to be honest. So this is what I shall keep on doing. Who knows, probably my lifestyle is actually suitable for a writer. And there it goes the guessing on what to do next. I do know what I want; it's the in-between part that it's unknown to me right now. And I am happy, that I am, don't get me wrong. I'm more than happy (soon I can be even more or so I hope :) ) but it's kind of melancholic to see that your school years are over. Probably not entirely for now, but I'm sure I'm not the continuing-studying type. That's what I get for trying so hard since elementary school, got exhausted. Only thing I would gladly study is something practical, which is probably the technical courses people offer; especially if its art or writing related.

But for now, this is all I have and all I'm holding to; faith, love, a small spark of hope, and words. And I know that that is more than most will ever have. So I'm lucky and blessed, I just wish for a bit of freedom. Soon I know. A new year and I know it's going to be the best one yet. I just hope to stop being asked "what are you going to do next". Not that I mind, but I will stop lying about it from now. No, I won't continue studying, not for now anyway, not until I see the chance. But I stop chasing it for now; I leave that up to life. I have other priorities now, and I know I'm skillful and smart enough to do whatever I want in life. I was born for it! I mean, I guess it's my attitude that gets me this far. But also a hunch, that everything is ok, as long as I keep pushing forward and kicking and punching the bad feelings away. Ever since I was a little girl, this is what I believed in, and life has given me all I wanted without problems. Or maybe it has been with problems but I don't sense them as such? Challenges all the way which makes life all exiting and worth going through. Better than living a senseless life that's for sure. I always said I rather have my life filled with challenges than live a plain life where all I do is eating, work and survive. I always welcome them, is like I poke life with a stick in the eye. She just laughs and plays with me, and I laugh, and I'm happy. Whatever made you cry once, will surely make you laugh later. It always has been like that. I'm spoiled, so what?